You ever just wake up one day and get pumped for the day,just an adrenaline rush to take on the world?
Now imagine if you constantly had to wake up to that,wake up to a drive to bring change,to be change,to change this lost world,to be the light of the world but don't know where or how to start.I feel so overwhelmed and suffocated by my heart's desire to heal,lead and be the change this weakened and divided world unintentionally seeks. At times I feel really dumb and I cringe a lot too when I explain this feeling to someone else because I'm not sure if people even have this feeling,what if it's just an exaggerated feeling of something else...? I keep this inside,bottled up somewhere with the rest of my other drives of other feelings which confuse or scare me. At times I wonder whether I'd be capable of bringing change,actual change of inspiring others to join hands in the revolution,I wonder whether it's too much of a stretch to imagine the likes of Harriet Tubman,Martin Luther King,Malcom X,Ghandi,Steve Biko and so on. At times I feel like "Who am I kidding,I'm destined to go to school,get a job,build a life of my own,pay my taxes and bills,abide by the law,watch tv and the news and so the cycle repeats",a feeling of being just another well-rounded human. At times I even question myself as to what I believe in,what I'm doing with my life.
I usually find myself overthinking and looking at how I kid myself when dreaming about a time where a revolution breaks free from the prison cells of society's ignorance,where people unite to change our world to set fire to issues that are being normalized like racial inequalities and racism,our outdated education system,our so called "hoax" of the melting artics,our broken generation that gets high on degrading and breaking each other and takes drug overdoses on neglecting self love,care and mental wellness.
At times I question why I get to suffer with this burden of wanting to get up and do something about all the wrong in this world.I mean have you met me? I'm the quiet girl that practices what to say or type before saying it or sending the text to someone,I run multiple scenarios of how something could go from bad to complete and utter destruction and chaos before going in front of the class and speaking,I'm the girl that abides to every single rule and regulation that's been set out by my parents and I'm so good at it that I don't even see myself doing otherwise,I'm the girl that grew up watching so many cartoons and being attached to my childhood self that I'd rather binge 5 whole seasons of Adventure Time before agreeing to go out with friends,I don't even like going out to parties,events...who am I kidding,have I even gone to one?
What's pretty ironic is I don't even care or mind.
Point is I don't think I have what it takes to do what I expect myself to do,I can't even speak up against criticism thrown at me.
Why didn't this drive just hit someone who is an ideal model of what a revolutionist looks like,someone who's fit to lead?
Or could I be a case of King Arthur the scroungy little boy that later revealed to be the chosen one to yield the sword of Excalibur and fit to be King?
I know I have leadership qualities,I've seen it and I've manifested it.
Question is,is it enough to turn this burden into a revolution?
I've been told to pray about,as comforting as prayer can be and I do,partake in it but at times you just want hear something else,just want to be given more than being told to solve it yourself or hand it over to God.Truth is sometimes it's just not enough,sometimes you don't want to talk about it because you're afraid you'll breakdown or cringe throughout the entire conversation like a school lesson on "the changes with your body in which you'll experience as a teenager" or having your parent talk to you about "feelings you'll feel towards the opposite gender"
CRRIIIIIINGGGGEEEE!
Point is I'm fine keeping it to myself,I don't need to talk about it,mom,no please don't talk to dad about it...
Cringe.
No,I don't need to sit with you during break and ask me whether everything is okay at home,school teacher. Everything's just about fine and I'm living like a King.
Ultimate cringe.
Yeah I'm actually fine.I don't want us to sit somewhere private and talk about it,school friend or classmate,I'm NOT depressed.
Last night I slept pretty late because I was binging all my favourite shows and watching funny clips of screaming goats online.Yes it's weird but very satisfying.No I don't have insomnia!
I'm completely fine!I'm not stressed,I'm not depressed,I'm...fine,ok?
I don't need a therapist,I don't need help,I'm fine.
"I'm fine",I tell the world.
At times I'm not but I can handle myself,I'm a tough cookie and I know that talking about it is the best option but sometimes,sometimes it's better to just tear that page out of your diary because although you know that it's safe but you can't help feel that someone's gonna read it and feel a certain way about how you're really feeling. Whether you really do need a therapist,to sit in during break with your teacher and talk about how things are not ok at home,talk to your school friend about how depressed you are and how you have sleepless nights.
(I'm not all those things,just making sense to the metaphor)
Point is,what if my destiny is of scroungy little Arthur?
What if my destiny is to yield the sword of Excalibur and be King?
What if this feeling that I have,this persuasive drive and adrenaline to change is my purpose in life,the ghost's last undying wish or unfinished business...?
What if it's predicted that on this certain day of this certain time and place I get to lead a revolution so grand that it's recorded amongst the likes of Harriet,Malcom,MLK,Biko,Ghandi and so on?
What a time to be alive and dreaming of endless possibilities!
I wish to share what this drive really tells me or pushes me to do,someday with the world but for now it'll have to keep burning till the lights go out,chucked away with the rest of the foreign feelings never to be open again until the day my chapter unfolds and things become more clearer and so it begins...the journey to the endless possibilities!
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